LOTHERSDALE MATCH HAS BEEN ARRANGED

Our glorious leader, Kim Il Jong Kunz, has confirmed that the Lothersdale match at home (Crossflats), will go ahead next week. The match is on Thursday the 1st of June, meeting at 6.15 at the Crossflats Theatre of Hate.

A Victim Writes...
Gullable black-eyed Toms only influence on the game was giving Nick out,just because the spacker wicket keeper from Menston had said that the ball had hit the leg stump. Nick swore blind that the ball never hit the wicket, having to swing 2 foot out for the ball, but the bail had fallen on the floor due to his unfeasably large knob.

Nick

Its Good To Have Him Back

'Its good to have him back', said all his team mates, as they swamped their outstanding keeper "Tom the Magnificent". Against an under-numbered and shit Menston team, Woodside completely swamped the opposition in a one sided affair. Despite some of the spoutings and pungent poo coming out of the mouth of Jim ( Oil Tanker Stead). Fielder of the match had to be Captain Tom, not only was his keeping outstanding but his bowling changes were inspired and helped the team keep the poor Menston boys down to a bare minimum.

As has been mentioned some comical batting left the door slightly ajar for menston, but Jim closed his eyes, sucked a lemon, and hit a couple of lucky sixes. the sheer incompetence of the opening batsman was comical. Nick was out by a mile, despite his sad on, he was given out instantly by the eagle eyed umpire.

P.S the picture was doctored, Nick is better looking than that (honest).

Captain Tom

WAS THIS THE WORST BALL EVER?
Kunz's opening ball of last week, was it worse than
Paxy's dismissal this week? You decide.

Was This Worse than Kunz?
How Paxy was bowled. Note the ridiculous pitch of the ball and Paxy rushing below it.

Warriors crush Menston

The Mighty warriors crushed Menston last night dismissing them for only 46 runs after fine bowling from half-cut Gangas, John Morris snr and Jim Stead.

Jim continued his fine vein of batting form (if you discount the entire last season), to score a not out 24, half of his teams total. An unnamed bystander commented,'that innings was so good, it was an affront to God'.

Halfway through the momentous innings, a controversial incident threatened to cloud the day.
Nasty Nick 'Cotton' missed the ball and one of the bails fell off, but the ball did not appear to hit the wickets. We all looked to the umpire Tom for a decision, but he bumbled, spluttered and tried to run away. Eventually, after claiming he couldnt see the incident he was bullied into giving Nick out by the opposing wicketkeeper. 'Just don't hit me' Tom explained.

The day also marked a return for top batsmen Paxy. The ginger flash embarrassed himself however, by being bowled by the crappest ball ever. The ball pitched only a third of the way down the wicket and bounced over paxy to hit middle stump. It was as bad as that Kunz opening ball last week.

The warriors went onto finish the innings after losing John Morris Snr for next to nowt, in under 10 overs.

Blind Tom and evil Nick 'Cotton' have frank exchange of views over Nicks disputed dismissal. Nick later added "He's dead to me now". Both tried to marr the dramatic whitewash of a win at Menston yesterday. 

The match on the 25th versus menston at menston is now on the 18th , still at menston.

Cap'n cant make but we got thom back , what the lord giveth with one hand he taketh away with the other.

The warriors continue their unbeaten streak in emphatic style

Captain Kunz put in an exceptional preformance yesterday to lead his team to an emphatic win on the first game of the season against Airedale General Hospital.

Highlight of his preformance was a spectacular opening ball in which nearly broke his own toes. This followed a majestic innings of 0 runs over 2 triumphant balls in which he humbled the opposition. The fabled opening ball was described by Jaxy as the 'biggest pile of excrement i've ever seen'. Others nearly called the epilepsy helpline on his behalf.

Jaxy and and gangas opened the batting in rampaging style both declaring on 25. After some nurdling, and a minor collapse involving Capn and 'the cursed Kenny' (who both got fuck all), young Johnny Morris also scored a handsome 25 to put the warriors in a commanding position with 109 runs after 20 overs.

Our bowling started in a controlled fashion with both Gangas, Ste and Jim all making early breakthroughs. The bowling all went to pot as Kunz began to bowl in his usual erratic style.

Steve Stead livened up proceedings by cleverly dislocating his shoulder while fielding. This at least put Mr Kunz to some use after all as he managed to put the bugger back in place.

Some fine overs at the end of the match by John senior, Mr Kenny and the new youth team prospect Malcolm Ross sealed a 19 run win for the warriors.

After the match John Kenny said 'We had the best of the luck, especially when Dziedzic couldnt turn up '.

The mighty gangas looking gormless after a decent knock of 25 

Jaxy playing with his tackle 

Captain Kunz looking rightly proud of his mammoth 2 ball, no run innings 

Slags of cricket unveil this years 'home'

The mighty warriors are proud to announce that Crossflatts cricket ground is our home this year.
Capitan Kunz said, "its about time we stayed somewhere for more than 2 games, so we'll try to stay here for the next 20 years". "Unless we piss them off after the first game by wrecking the pitch playing monsoon cricket like normal", he no doubt added.

It is with great pleasure we can announce this years fixtures below, (obviously this list will be out of date before you read this , i mean organising a match on the same night as the Champions league final i ask you).


11-May Wed A G H Sutton
18-May Wed
25-May Wed Menston Menston
2-Jun thurs Lothersdale Crossflatts
9-Jun thurs B.R.I. Low Moor
15-Jun thurs Riddlesden Riddlesden
23-Jun thurs B.R.I. Crossflatts
30-Jun thurs A G H Crossflatts
7-Jul thurs Menston Crossflatts
13-Jul Wed Lothersdale Cononley
21-Jul thurs Crossflatts Crossflatts
27-Jul Wed Halflington Burnsall
4-Aug thurs Malham Crossflatts
11-Aug thurs Riddlesden Crossflatts

Already the squad are preparing for the first fixture by emptying their boots of spiders and returning from Buddhist retreats in Nepal. Vice Captain Tom gave some rousing words for the squad ahead of the new season: "Hare Rama Rama Krishna Rama Guru Murphy", he went on to say " Where are you goin with your fetlocks flowing my lovely horse?".